3 ways to encourage a child who leans toward legalism and perfectionism
“Ready, set, let’s head out,” I told my Sunday School group.
Everyone clamored into line eagerly except for one little girl. I urged her to join us.
“But you didn’t say go,” she uttered dejectedly.
It wasn’t the first time her precision overtook her participation. She was always the first to duck out of unstructured play, craving rules. If instructions were given that allowed creativity, she’d ask a bunch of questions to ensure she was getting everything “right.” I never had to worry about missing her classmates’ mistakes or misdeeds – she was quick to tattle.
This little girl had good intentions.
Her deep desire to “get it right” meant she memorized even the punctuation in Bible verses, paid close attention during devotional times, and dutifully, diligently prayed. She wanted to please God. She wanted to “be good” and was deeply distressed when she couldn’t be perfect.
I recognized in her something I struggle with too – a tendency toward legalism in search of assurance.
If you love a child who shares this tendency, here are a few ways to help them avoid the trappings of self-righteousness that we face when we lean toward legalism.
Be Clear about What Is God’s Responsibility Versus Their Own
Well-meaning, overachieving kids often have a strong sense of responsibility. When they don’t meet expectations, including their own, they feel like they’ve failed, and they wrestle with guilt. It’s a huge help to them to clarify God’s expectations of them.
For example, if a child is remorseful over doing something that they didn’t realize was against the rules, it’s good to remind them that they aren’t all-knowing. Only God is! Reassure them that it’s God’s job to know everything, not theirs. It’s their job to learn, so now that they know the rule, they shouldn’t break it – but they don’t need to worry about accidentally breaking it the first time.
With kids whose sense of responsibility extends to keeping everyone else in line, you might also need to clarify that different people have different God-given responsibilities.
If you are their teacher, for example, then God has made you responsible for giving everyone in the class the chance to learn. So, if a child tries to boss others into doing their work, you can remind them that God didn’t give them that job; he gave it to you.
Teach Them Enthusiastically That God Designed Us to Rely on Him
Children with a strong desire to “get things right” often feel the need to be overly independent while also having a deep need for recognition and praise. They will be fiercely determined to excel and fiercely concerned if no one reassures them that they have excelled.
The little girl I mentioned above expressed these desires by frequently asking, “Did you see?” about everything from wiping up crumbs unprompted (sometimes with the wrong material) to turning to the correct page in the Bible (sometimes in lieu of listening to the lesson).
Kids with these desires will be blessed to learn truths that help them rely on God and rest in his approval.
Ephesians 2:8-10, for example, can show them that our standing with God is by faith, not works, even though God does have good work planned for us. Philippians 4:4-13 can help them see that God calls us to rely on him through prayer about everything and that it’s only through Jesus that we can do all things.
Many other Bible passages can help explain this truth too.
However you show kids that God designed them to rely on him – and that his approval of them is rooted in Jesus, not their good works – be enthusiastic as you share this truth. They may feel it’s unnatural and uncomfortable to glorify God by relying on God rather than proving themselves. Assure them that it’s really, really good news!
Gently Teach Them That Self-Righteousness Is a Sneaky Sin
It is difficult for kids who tend toward legalism to grasp why their attempts at goodness go badly. They don’t know why their peers don’t want to partner with them when they’re such good helpers. They don’t get why their parent seems frustrated with them for tattling on a sibling who broke the rules again. They really don’t understand why they still feel so bad deep down when they make a little mistake, given how hard they work at being perfect otherwise!
Self-righteousness is a sin that can sneak up on us. Being honest about that is a help to kids.
Get to the heart of the issue, which is the heart itself. God cares about our motives and desires. He also cares about our attitude as we carry out his commands.
Gently telling kids that sin isn’t just what we do on the outside but what’s happening on the inside is important. It’s also an opportunity to highlight that God’s grace and forgiveness cover our inside and outside sins. In fact, God promises he can clean us from the inside out!
In All Things, Be Gentle, Kind, and Patient
If we’re honest, children who tend toward legalism can frustrate us.
They sometimes make more trouble by trying too hard to stay out of trouble – and by trying to keep others out of trouble too. Sometimes, they step on our toes by trying to take over. At other times, we feel like we have to drag them into doing things that ought to be carefree and fun. Their expressions of feeling stressed about “not being good enough” can come out as bossiness, grumpiness, condescension, arrogance, and other unsavory attitudes.
So, ironic as it may seem to need to be extra intentional about being kind, gentle, and patient with the “overly well-behaved” kids – we must be. We do not want to break or dismiss their desire for goodness and righteousness. We want to point them to the One whose righteousness they can rest in and whom they can trust to make them righteous like him.
This concept is played out in the chapter book Abigail and the Career Day Catastrophe, a realistic story for kids, written by Bethany McIlrath, about relying on God’s goodness instead of our own.
Consider a few extra resources: